Death Metal

I love death metal. What a great name for a music genre. But in all reality, I'm a bit tame to be considered a "true fan" of death metal. In fact, there should be requirements to claim true fan-hood of this evil transmogrification of music.

Here's what I would require of true metal heads:
1. Change your name to something evil sounding, like Azelkemon, Beelzebub, or Hillary Clinton.
2. Grow your hair out and put it in front of your eyes. Then hold your hand up like you are holding a chalice of blood, or something dramatic. Then post a photo of it on your MySpace page and give it a cool title, like Hair of the Dog or something.
3. Wear your Goatwhore shirt to a job interview.
4. Practice your metal screams in the bathroom at school. Preferably while taking a dump.
5. Hate at least one emo kid every day.
6. Cut off your index and middle finger, so that you will always be flashing the universal sign for metal.
7. Eat the fingers you cut off.
8. Break your girlfriends Jack Johnson cd's.
9. Hire Amon Amarth to play at your wedding.

There is no number 10 because it is not a metal number.

Seriously, some of these bands are hilarious. These names are not made up, they are real bands! Prepare to be metalated:

1. Gory Blister
2. Fuck.....I'm Dead
3. Gutworm
4. Circle of Dead Children
5. Vomitorial Corpulence
6. Pungent Stench
7. Duobetic Homunkulus (?!)
8. Waco Jesus
9. Cock and Ball Torture

I almost peed when I read some of these. Who knew some skinny Swedish dude would come up with something so evil it makes me laugh out loud. I have to say, though, Gory Blister wins it for me. I'm literally ecstatic that I found that name. I would say next to winning the lottery, being in a band called Gory Blister would be one of the coolest things a person could experience.

Here's the scene: it's Christmas, the family is all home, Grandma is over, as is Aunt Magdila and your cousin Verbena. Mom says to you, "Honey, why don't you tell the family about your new band. Oh, he's so excited to be doing this rock star stuff." Here's where it gets fun. "Well, yes. I'm experimenting with a death metal project called............(wait for it)..........Gory Blister." All goes silent.......Aunt Magdila tries to choke down a dry heave......Verbena looks at you with a dropped jaw.........and Grandma asks you what a Glory Twister is. AHHHHHHHH..........Nothing like celebrating Jesus birth with your family and their complete support for your every endeavor.

Hey, at least your not in the band Fuck......I'm Dead. I bet it sucks having people ask you about that at church. "So Jimmy, what band are you in again?" " My name is Hairy Blemish now. And my band is called Fuck....I'm Dead. " You're a winner.

Yea, it doesn't get much better than being a true fan. Everyone likes you, people trust you with their kids, and your parents love it when Visceral Evisceration blairs over the speakers during their book club.

Rock on Gory Blister.